I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
You forgot to practice
We miss you
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
J: Hard luck, kid
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.