@bornmiserable

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

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@JJSummertime

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@david8hughes

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

@QwertyJones3

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

@QuietPsycho

Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”

@shutupmikeginn

A trailer in a movie theater ended with “November 20th” and a guy loudly said, “thats my birthday” and a random guy said “happy birthday”

@castawaykristen

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

@tsm560

My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.

@Ameiam

I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.