@bornmiserable

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

@pilau

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

@psybermonkey

Duolingo

[1 day]
You forgot to practice

[1 week]
We miss you

[1 month]
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin

@AaronFullerton

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@MichaelTrying

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

@P_Liesenhoff

US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??

@TeaAndCopy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@behindyourback

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.