Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
This rocks
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.