Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Advice from a 6 year old patient:
“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”
A trailer in a movie theater ended with “November 20th” and a guy loudly said, “thats my birthday” and a random guy said “happy birthday”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My ex-girlfriend is getting divorced from my ex-best friend and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.
I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.