Effort made
You Might Also Like
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Never forget.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.