Effort made
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Me, in DM rooms…
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.