Effort made
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
men are simple creatures
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.