Effort made
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.