Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.