Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.