Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
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movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month