Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
You Might Also Like
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
this country is so goddamn polarized
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.