Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.