Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

My hips? Compulsive liars.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

United Steaks of America

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree