Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Friday

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance