Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.