Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.