Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

🐥🐣

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”