Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

New menu item

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.