Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
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me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
