Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
