Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.