Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

🤣😂

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

The prophecy is fulfilled

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it