Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me when I hear gossip
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Finished stitching this today 😇
