Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
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Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Anime is real
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
