Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

They’re stuck in your pants?

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

So true for me

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.