Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.