Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
rapatouille
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids