Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
oh you wanna fight?!
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
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You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks