Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Oops

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Forever 21… pounds overweight

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.