Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore