Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor