Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
secret recipe
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.