Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Sending in my taxes

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck