Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.