Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I see your IQ test came back negative