Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.