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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
beware of dog
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though