Eggs benadryl my favourite
You Might Also Like
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.