Eggs benadryl my favourite
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Hot Hot Hot
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
