Eggs benadryl my favourite
You Might Also Like
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?