Eggs benadryl my favourite
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Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Finally
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.