Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You Might Also Like
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Wise advice
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
hmmm
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing