Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]