Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
OMG 🤣🤣
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk