Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.