*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
