*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
😂😂
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Oddly specific
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.