Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Cndnsd Mlk

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”