Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday