Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

At an art museum and I thought this was art

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.