EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
synchronized noseblowing
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.