Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Not even remotely sorry.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
