Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

bias laundering edition

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit