Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that