Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence