Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.