eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

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All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news


If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.


Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.


ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?


Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.


I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped


She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?


I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.


[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[starts typing]
[brick flies through my window]