@dakarrier

eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

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@InternetHippo

All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news

@dumbbeezie

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

@patrickhogan91

Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@therealeatwood

ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?

@BetteMidler

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

@ADHDeanASL

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

@iYoungKhalifa

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

@TomSchally

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

@InternetHippo

[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[starts typing]
Hello
[brick flies through my window]