Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?