I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*