Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p