Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
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Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free