Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
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is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything