Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
The symmetry is uncanny.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Guilty! 🤪
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
A ghost story
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.