Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo