Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine