Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.