Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Google assistant rules
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
*orders delivery*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.