Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys