Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

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When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that’s what’s up. But they’re all at work.


“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”


The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”


You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.


Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful


Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.


The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself “him”.


I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.


*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*


Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.