@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

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@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@dorsalstream

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@brianbowman73

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

@ariscott

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

@lukelachance_

My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.

@junejuly12

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

@AdderallMomma

Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.

@_xLNc

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”