@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

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@1BigMick

When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that’s what’s up. But they’re all at work.

@ElodiaHugesfxh

“You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can’t you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

@MelvinofYork

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

@jordan_stratton

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

@FrogAvalanche

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

@Los01001111

The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself “him”.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@thepaulahunt

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.