According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
You Might Also Like
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”