Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.