*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
new shirt idea
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My god she’s good.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!