eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
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same vibe as tangled headphones
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.