Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

We decided to have money instead of children.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all