Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
c’mon!
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No