Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Wait for it
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Are we there yet?…
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Teach your children to beatbox
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.