Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My dog and I play this game, itâs called What Are You Chewing On Now?⌠it goes both ways
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Him: youâre beautiful.
Her: no Iâm not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: youâre crazy, Iâm hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
ME: Iâm sorry, Iâm just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, donât worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? Itâll be on your driverâs license.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like âyour top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapyâ
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique đ
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
It is what it is. Unless itâs cauliflower. Then it is what it isnât.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And đľđŠđŚđŻ exterminate all human life.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Finding a hair in food that youâve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when youâre bald.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors donât actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says âokay Iâmma direct youâ and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, âThatâs great, bud, youâre directing so good!â
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
everywhere a sign. â ď¸
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!