Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Howl 😭
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
They also CAN sing✌️
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.