“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Meth is short for Elizameth.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
DOOO EEEET
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
