“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“you look easy to draw”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time