Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
☺️
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
HOW DARE YOU
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it