Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
In space, no one can hear…
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a